Depression
Naseef
poignantly describes the inevitability of this next stage of grieving: "When
reality can no longer be denied, when angry energy does not change the child’s
condition, and there are no more deals to be made, a sense of depression sets
in. Sadness grips the heart as reality must be dealt with." (Naseef, pp.
40-41) Parents may express doubts about the meaning of life and their own value
as human beings and parents. In their shame and grief, they may isolate themselves,
particularly from friends with typically-developing children.
Depression is a very individual reaction. Many parents experience a deep pain
that is unimaginable to those who have never experienced the birth of a child
with disabilities. Once again, Naseef points out that this reaction is often
more intense when the child’s diagnosis is made many years after birth.
Having learned to love the "normal" child, the parent is devastated
by the announcement of the child’s disability.
Instant
Feedback:
Depression
is often more intense if the child’s disability is diagnosed many years after
birth.
Many mothers and fathers have
low levels of energy and hope, experience somatic complaints, and show decreased
self-confidence during this stage of grieving. It can be hard to see yourself
as a "good parent" when your child acts in an unpredictable and unacceptable
manner, rejects loving overtures, or fails to make even simple progress in life.
Feeling totally overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting a child with special
needs, families often ignore offers of help from well-meaning professionals.
Nurses working with depressed
parents often cope with cancelled appointments or no-shows, unanswered telephone
messages, broken commitments, and lack of follow-through. It’s vitally
important to remain accepting of the family during this stage and to continue
periodic contact in person, by telephone, or even by mail. Support groups can
be helpful for many families.
Instant
Feedback:
If
parents are in the depression stage of grief and fail to follow through on commitments
to the nurse, it’s time to set firm limits and terminate the relationship if
the parent continues to be unreliable.